A Beautiful Struggle...

I’m seventeen and live in the U.S. There’s nothing exceptionally exciting about me.  I’m pretty contradictory. I like to drink and party and I’m a bit of a stoner but school is also extremely important to me.  I like to think I’m nice, but I can be snappy. I’m very quiet at school but loud with my friends. I’m a perfectionist yet also a procrastinator. I can brighten people’s days or I can make myself unbelievably miserable.

I’m just another insecure teenage girl who hates her body. But I’m going to change that. There’s a lot more to me, but this blog is mainly about my weight loss.

I’m bulimic with restrictive tendencies. Recently my parents gave me an ultimatum which basically forced me into treatment. Eventually I would love to be healthy again, both physically and mentally, but right now I’m so caught up in the disorder that I don’t know if it’s possible.

I will NEVER encourage eating disorders, I will not give tips on how to starve or purge. But I would absolutely love to help you come up with a healthy diet/exercise plan or give you advice, tips, or motivation. I’m actually pretty knowledgeable about nutrition, and I don’t bite so message me anytime!

I’d like to remain semi-anonymous, so I’m not going to give up a lot of personal information on my blog, but message me privately if you have any questions! If you want to see what I look like, just ask for my progblog password.

Some things I like: 
Lace, incense, sunshine, post-sex cigarettes, curls, calm, tea, frailty, fashion, sex, buttons, coffee, pills, lockets, beds, poppies, insomnia, fall, big cities, lavender, flannel, drug stores, eyeliner, perfume, cinnamon, starbucks, pearls, floral, ballerinas, bedroom eyes, mittens, magazines, coke zero, freckles, ribbons, vodka, sundresses, bike rides, boots, nail polish, stars, docks,vintage, French, rain, scarves, models, fireplaces, railroads, drugs, hipbones, boys, sweaters, Paris. 

A little more about me:

Age: 17
Height: 5’9”
Weight: ~120
Dress Size: Usually a three in jeans, xs or small in shirts, dresses, skirts, etc.
Highest Weight: around 150 pounds
Lowest Weight (at height): 114 pounds
Goal Weight: somewhere around 103-107 pounds.
Favorite Diet Food: sobe lean life water, grapes, greek yogurt, egg whites, protein bars, apples, oatmeal, bananas.
Favorite Binge Food: peanut butter, french bread with honey or jam and butter, ice cream, cookie dough, chips, pizza, cheese,  anything really. 
Favorite Exercise: elliptical, speed walking at an incline, squats, crunches.
Favorite Thinspo: no one in particular, I think I’m usually more drawn to brunettes though. but I love anything to do with hipbones, collarbones, and thigh gaps.

Where Do You Slip Up: Most often when I’m emotional or depressed. Especially when I’m lonely.

When Did It Start? 
Hating your body: I would guess around fourth or fifth grade.
Restricting/counting: half-heartedly/badly since middle school, strictly since I was around 14.
Does Anyone Know: Some of my friends and my family have noticed that I’m weird about food/eat exceptionally healthfully or hardly eat at all. 
You Want Help: My parents re
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: Usually 600-900. When I binge I don’t count but sometimes thousands.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: When I’m in a good mood and all made up with perfect hair, a cute outfit and I haven’t eaten, sometimes I think I’m pretty for a moment. Usually I see an ugly, tired, flawed face, and a disgustingly fat, flabby, blobby, sloppy body.  
Are You In A Relationship: Nope.
Are You Depressed: Not clinically anymore. Sometimes, though.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: Sort of. Way back when.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: In 8th and 9th grade.

I AM - 
[] anorexic 
[x] ednos 
[x] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry 
[] thirsty 
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs 
[x] starving yourself 
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE - 
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic 
[] call me fat 
[x] say I’m skinny 
[] say I’m ugly 
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me 
[x] force me to eat 
[] say I eat too much 
[x] wish I’d eat more 
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

I WISH - 
[x] I was THIN 
[x] I had a better body 
[x] I didn’t have to eat 
[x] I could control myself 
[] I was under 80lbs 
[x] I could avoid food 
[x] I could hide what I am 
[x] I wasn’t fat 
[x] I was pretty 
[] I could stop being anorexic

I LOVE - 
[x] feeling hungry 
[] seeing a difference when fasting 
[x] shaking 
[x] being weak 
[x] losing weight 
[] being anorexic/bulimic 
[x] green tea 
[x] diet pills 
[x] being able to turn down food 
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[] I am shorter than 5’4. 
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes. 
[x] I have many scars. 
[] I tan easily. 
[] I wish my hair was a different color. 
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. 
[] I have a tattoo. 
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance. 
[x] I have/had braces. 
[] I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. 
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger. 
[] I have more than 2 piercings. 
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears. 
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents. 
[x] I’ve run away from home. 
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house. 
[] My biological parents are together. 
[] I have a sibling less than one year old. 
[x] I want to have kids someday. 
[] I’ve had children. 
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation. 
[] Disney movies still make me cry. 
[] I’ve peed from laughing. 
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing. 
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried. 
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose. 
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[x] I’m single 
[] I’m in a relationship. 
[] I’m engaged. 
[] I’m married. 
[] I’ve gone on a blind date. 
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper. 
[x] I miss someone right now. 
[x] I have a fear of abandonment. 
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship. 
[] I’ve gotten divorced 
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. 
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t. 
[] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did. 
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex. 
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher. 
[x] I am a cuddler. 
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain. 
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger. 
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t 
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t. 
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am. 
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world. 
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game. 
[x] I’ve cheated on a test. 
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol. 
[x] I regularly drink. 
[] I can’t swallow pills. 
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem 
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point. 
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset. 
[] I take anti-depressants. 
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS. 
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it. 
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose. 
[] I’m addicted to self harm. 
[x] I’ve woken up crying 
[x] I’ve lost weight 
[x] I’ve gained weight 
[x] My weight holds me back 
[x] Weight consumes me. 
[] I’m at my thinnest 
[] I’m at my biggest 
[] I’ve lost weight and kept it off 
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back 
[x] My weight affects my mood 
[x] I weigh myself daily 
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me 
[x] I thrive on compliments 
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size 
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry 
[x] I get depressed after I eat 
[x] I’ve skipped a meal 
[x] I’ve thrown food away 
[x] I’ve spit food out 
[] I’ve fasted 
[x] I’ve taken diet pills 
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged 
[x] I exercise 
[x] I exercise so I can eat 
[x] I work out secretly 
[] I work out daily 
[x] I exercise to counteract eating 
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE - 
[x] Weed 
[x] Cigarettes 
[x] Alcohol 
[x] Diet pills 
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants 
[x] Ecstasy 
[] LSD 
[x] Mushrooms 
[] Speed 
[x] Cocaine 
[x] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret (mostly)
[x] I have a diet blog 
[x] I look at thinspo 
[x] I collect thinspo 
[x] I’m doing this for me 
[x] I’m doing this for someone 
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself