A Beautiful Struggle...

I know I haven’t been on in a while but there’s nothing to report.

Still emotionally numb.

Still isolating myself.

Still getting fatter and fatter.

Nothing new.

Tralala I wish I could shed pounds the way I’ve shed my sense of morality.

I am feeling so horrifically guilty for letting myself get this fat. How could I have done this to myself? I wasn’t even thin enough to begin with at my low weight and then I gained 12 pounds, just why. 

 This guy who is literally used to getting with models just told me body was “cute” but that he’d “support me if I improved it”. Oh, fuck. This hurts. I’ve never been told by anyone but myself that my body needs improvement. I mean duh, I’m disgusting, but it stung so badly to be blatantly told. I just need to stop fucking eating forever.

Ohgodohgodohgod, what have I gotten myself into. welp.

I really need to go to bed also starting a new diet tomorrow because I’m fat as fuck.

I can’t deal with looking at my own disgusting body anymore. It makes me so depressed. Which makes me binge. Fucking fuck I need to break out of this cycle.

Why do I have to be so fucking disgusting. 

I wish I could rip my fat, gluttonous self to pieces.

exhausted

empty

lonely

sad

worthless.

just make it stop.

Cool I just fucked up my theme. Too tired to fix it I’ll deal with it in the morning.

It’s the worst to be so careful all day only to have it ruined in twenty minutes. And stay fat.

I feel like the universe is telling me I don’t need to be on this planet anymore.

Everything bad that could happen has happened. Both Monday and Tuesday I was raped at a party in the mountains and I can hardly even react. I just feel numb. Dead inside. I hardly even cried. Today I found out my car is totaled and I don’t know how I’m going to get another. And again, hardly even cried. 

I don’t know how to safely express these emotions so I won’t. I would only hurt myself, or worse. So I’ll just bottle them up. I know that’s bad but if I allowed myself to truly grieve I would never stop crying. 

It’s just so fucking impossible to deal with normal people right now, having to force myself to function, to have to put a smile on my face and pretend like I’m okay with this fucked-up superficial society. And no one gives a fuck.

I want nothing more than to sleep my life away. Play dead. My body, my heart, my soul, they’re all just so weary and hurt.

I didn’t even realize because I’ve hardly left my room for a week but my vision keeps spotting out and I’m dizzy and my stomach keeps cramping horribly around my rib cage area and I had tons of blood in my spit this morning and my knee is all kinds of fucked up from when I got in an accident this weekend fuck I am a mess and I don’t know what to do about it.